amnesia

memories are flashbacks.
we all have different perspectives from just one memory.
they're little reminderrs that can pop up.
sometimes they can flood your mind, encompassing you...
they put a haze over your eyes,
fade away from the "now"
you look back and think what could've been...
what should've been
you will torment your mind with tastes from the past
treasures
already lived
consuming
dark
playful
held
memories are silent killers

This is what autumn smells like

I smelled autumn yesterday.
It was the sweet smell of freshly squeezed or crushed apples.
The air was juicy, mouth watereing, succulent, and the wind was the scent of crisp apples wisping through my hair.
I found myself wanting to lick the air.
I couldn't capture the smell or breathe in deeply enough.
Each inhale brought a new burst of flavor into my lungs.
And i thought to myself,
this is was autumn smells like.

a million little black polka dots

It must be the heat wave.
There are thousands of little ladybugs crawling across the windows of my house.
They landed a couple at a time on my arms as i stretched out on the grass.
They never fly straight, they always fly in an intricate path of circles and loop de loops.
Some have little black polka dots, and some are all red.
Their wings flutter less gracefully than a butterfly's...
but they disappear when the ladybug lands.
It's magic.
They are here for the last taste of summer.
Outside, they are swarming and flying all around, as their red backs hit the sunlight just right.
Good luck is dressed in a million little black polka dots.

fuzzy scarf

I love taking morning walks. It's become my weekend routine. The dew is still dripping, the frost masked by the shade still crunches underneath your feet, and you actually see a little baby inchworm making it's journey across the road. It's a sort of bliss noticing everything around you.
This post is going to be short because i'm just about to walk into bliss...
The sky is blue, the grass is still wet, the leaves are a warm honey, and maple syrup red, the birds are singing sweet melodies, and i am wrapping my fuzzy scarf around my neck.
Going on a walk is a very capturing experience for all of your senses.

Here's a little enlightening poetry for you:
"No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace
as I have seen in one autumnal face"
John Donne

i wish the real world would just stop hassling me

I was on my rickety old bus that shook me to the beat of the music, while my thoughts were abysmal. I was so mesmerized inside my head that when an empty bottle came flying over my worn, blue, seat and fell into my lap, i didn't even realize it. I was in a seventh heaven, looking outside the streaked window. I just started to write my blog in my head. The best and easiet kind of writing dosen't need a paper or pencil because somehow it hinders your thoughts, a plain rectangle, almost like a barrier. Maybe if I cut the paper into a different shape... So i just sat there and let the music build to a symphony in my ear "dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean." It's the most alluring time of year. The leaves are sitting on the edge of forever, cut right down the middle, one half is painted red and orange while the other side is a sweet,crisp green for the last taste of summer. We're inbetween fall and summer.
As I came back to the real world, I handed the kid the plastic bottle as he mumbled some kind of half, sorry excuse. It didn't matter anyways because the music overwhelmed the words escaping his mouth.
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And i'm feeling good
michael buble's voice is his own instrument,
and mine is my thoughts.
As i walked off the bus and the light brushed across my face,
i was feeling good.

Harriet The Spy

I'm sitting and typing away at the computer i'm going to have in my room. It's downstairs right now, but soon it will be in my room where thoughts seem to flow more frequently and easily. I want to do that whole "Harriet-The-Spy" work in my room. I'd love to have a typwriter, even just the sound of fingers gliding across a normal keyboard seem to sound like music clunking along the old keys of a typewriter. A pen stuck in the wild mess of my hair, my legs curled up under me, rain pattering against the windowpane and the "ding" of ressurance when you've reached the edge of the paper. I'm re-doing my room, giving it a new story. There are just three main pieces of furniture i really want. An old distressed bookcase, maybe with an old, clouded , stained door on it. A big desk, right in front of my open window, for paper, pencils, stacks of books on photography, and my computer/typewriter. And lastly a bed, filled with pillows and blankets. I want to hang national geographic pictures teared from my magazines, black and white photos taped to the walls and stacked all over that i've taken on my dad's old camera. I'd love to develop them.
Hardwood floors, black worn converse(i love thinking of their story of walking mountains in cali).
I want my room to have "a little romance without getting too cinderella sweet", i want to take myself, and have my room capture that.
I want my room to look like the sky has come in.

It's just the beginning

I'm not excited for school.
I usually have a feeling of being on the edge, ready to plunge into all the knew challenges.
I'm usually eager, i want to show everyone what changed in me.
Now i feel uninspired, incomplete.
Almost like i'm living in a dreamland, because i can't believe school is already here.
The worst part is getting comfortable with everyone again.
I still get lost trying to find my classes and stress out with understanding the schedule.
Maybe i should look as this from a new perspective...
It's just another chapter in my life, once i get settled back into routine, things will fall into place and i can work on the start of the rest of my life.
I hope that was convincing, because i'm going to jump off that edge into something i've gone to for most of my life and is still one big mystery.

arrivederci summer
p.s. atleast i've been blogging more

kiwi

I really love kiwi.

There is something about how refreshing it is.
The water is like a heavy mist in your mouth.

And the light tint of an emerald stone with the seeds black as night.

It's the epitome of a humid summer's day.

Sweat streaming down your face as your tired hand limply sways like a fan to create a breeze.

The heat bug is singing.

Everything seems to be moving in slow motion.

Big sunglasses cover your eyes like a statment, while your bathing suit is trimmed to feel every curve of your body,the end just like a dress, twirling out. with just the right heart neckline.

It's the 30's and jazz is humming in the background.

When i eat kiwi it takes me back to The Notebook, "if you're a bird I'm a bird."

It makes me want to have been alive when times were simpler and complicated all at once.

When romance wasn't hard to find.

It makes me want to jump in the water, and float for hours on my back.

It makes me never want to wipe the trickle of juice running down my chin.

I love kiwi.

our eyes are our biggest burden

I've been thinking a lot lately.

I think i will only talk about one thing, so i can have a constant in this post. So i won't lose what i'm trying to get across...

When we went camping, Mary and I talked a lot about L . o . v . e, and faith, but suprisingly love is easier to explain.

And one thing I said sort of stuck with her, and when she told me she thought more about it, it made me look deeper into it...

I told her she talks about Josh a lot and it's not a bad thing, but i'm just wondering if he is such a big part of her life, what am i missing?

I don't know how to put it into words what exactly i'm "missing", I guess you just have to see someone in love.

metaphor/analogy:

It's like without glasses, those blurs in the distance were all i could see. I didn't think i was missing anything, or there was anything at all to see. They were too far out of reach. The blurs were what i came to know.

But once i put those glasses on, things became clear, i see that the blurs are trees, and now i know what i've been missing.

Mary and Josh, you are my glasses.

Vienna

So i've decided this summer isn't what i was expecting, although it's never predictable. I wanted to work out this summer, go back to school feeling better about myself in many different ways...but i never took that leap.

California was amazing, i took in every surrounding.

But i want more.

"It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two"

All of my friends had there whole summers planned out, at first that didn't seem very exciting. You know, knowing exactly what you're going to be doing everyday. I wanted each morning to be a suprise, i wanted to be daring.

"You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need"

Except now, you guessed it, i didn't take advantage of that. And now school is going to be here so soon and i don't feel prepared.

I don't want to give up the simple moments of long grass blowing in the field of my backyard, swimming in the pool lit by the moon, walking down to the only streetlight for miles in dresses, converse and cowboy boots, playing my guitar on the porch...all those simple things i did, together, they seem right.

I kind of convinced myself in this post that i am having a summer with even the few moments that make me smile.

so maybe my real problem is time...lack of it i mean.

Isn't it everyones?

If you're still following me after all of that, there's one last thought i'm going to type.

I'm going to lake george with mary for a week and i'm going to make it my everything.

Everything i didn't do up until now, i'm going to do in that week.

Not a lot of time, but i've got to get over that whole time issue sometime.

"Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true"

Have you ever thought of the world without clocks?

"Slow down, you're doing fine

You can't be everything you want to be

Before your time"

I'm off to sail into the sunset,

"When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?"

emily

Stars burn like candles on that two-lane highway

She lived at the end of a little dirt road

In a house where secrets go untold

Barefoot in a cotton dress

Dark hair in a tangled mess

And a head full of crazy dreams

She said

I'm goin' to California

A place where the sun always shines

I'm goin' to California

And I'm leavin' everything behind

i've been feeling trapped.
i guess in a less philosophical way than you were expecting.
i think i'm failing math, everything with school is holding me back.
if i don't pass...than i can't have a summer.
everything is pouring down on me like gasoline...drenching me with fumes that consume my every sense.
school has to be everything right now..always in the back of our minds...another test around the corner.
drop the match and i'm ignited
i'm burning under the pressure
i think that word "ignited" can have many reasons...(word of the week i guess)
right now...it helps explain what it feels like to be burning under a fire.(school)
we all look for summer to be anything, to do something the rest of the year couldn't
i just hope when the fire burns out..amongst the ashes, tattered and black...is my summer.

Ignited

my eyes adjust from the sunlight outside and that's what it's going to be like when i first see you.

drops of jupiter

stop looking for reasons everyone. see what's right in front of you.

Go to my playlist on the left side, and turn the song to "drops of jupiter" by:train

and listen for once.

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere

With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey, hey, hey

She acts like summer and walks like rain

Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey, hey, hey

Since the return from her stay on the moon

She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation

Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey, heymmmm.....

She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo

Reminds me that there’s room to grow, hey, hey, hey, hey

yea...

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol jane

Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back to the milky way

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind

Was it everything you wanted to find

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken

Your best friend always sticking up for you, even when I know you’re wrong

Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone

Conversation

The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet

Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

And head back toward the milky way

Tell me did you sail across the sun

Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded

And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star

One without a permanent scar

And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself

nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day

nah nah nah nah nah nahnah nah nah nah nah nah

And did you fall for a shooting star

Fall for a shooting star

nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

Are you loney looking for yourself out there

(the spacing got all messed up, but just think about the song, let it get stuck in your head)

bulletproof

i'm going to try something. writing really late at night and seeing what i think of it in the morning, then i'll post it. maybe even add more to it once i'm awake. why does the truth come out at night; it is pitch black. does darkness seem to take in all your secrets like a black hole, so it seems safe to say them outloud? telling the boy now, all the thoughts that were racing through your head in daylight...but now your brain is slow, blinking, heavy breathing, simple things...the words seem so easy now to say. it's a hard concept..but just think, wherever you are, late at night..at a moldy hotel 6 backed up against the wall on a bed, laying outside under the stars, or just sitting at your computer typing mindlessly, you can say whatever you want and think about everything because your tired, your brain is in a transe...on the verge of sleeping, breathe in and out. once you can let your body go, your mind follows fearless. like a monster in a closet, it only comes out when the sun goes down.
i've noticed lately that i can't shut up. my mom tells me to do something and i have to say what i think...she won't listen, even if i yell, i just need to be heard. how can i be passive about some things and then want to scream out loud at other things? all i know is my "attitude" seems to be getting me in trouble. maybe i'm tired of just listening. so i just keep on talking.

• crossroads
• broken glass
• sweet perfume
• words that seem to work
  
  why does the moon shine night and day, but the sun sets? don't go scientific..just why is the moon up in daylight...something that glows at night hearing all your secrets..is still faintly there in daylight, when you wake up.

blah.bed.for now.short and sweet.never would have thought i could be that way.2nd post i said i was never short and sweet.

now that i look back on everything i wrote, something has changed

goodnight

good morning...i guess i was pretty awake, or sane last night..because nothing i wrote seems too "out there"..but maybe night or day, my thoughts are still the same..i care how i say them and want them out there naked.(used to use that word ''naked" and "undressing my thoughts" a lot) maybe i should let go more, not care..and let the true monster come out of the closet.

i guess why i have the title "bulletproof" is it just seems like a cool word, and the meaning might be that sometimes we feel like nothing can stop us, or maybe being bulletproof is like taking a bullet but not letting it brake you. I took a chance, I took a shot And you might think i'm bulletproof, but i'm not. and sometimes the shot kills you.

i dont really like this post, the words are off, the stupid bullets make it double spaced when i hit enter..but whatever for once i'm not going to care if what i say is typed the right way.so here i go, publish post.